Depression runs in my family… my mom told me about my great grandmother… something happened to her and one day she got up and left and never came back… they think she had a melt down and just couldn’t handle her life anymore… my mother walked away from us a few times actually….
like when I was a kid and she was arguing with my dad and he was driving… and we came to a light at a four way and she literally got out of the car and walked into a parking lot….
my dad had to drag her back into the car… that was very embarrassing for me. I can distinctly remember people running up to the window at the restaurants nearby…. watching us grab at her….. my parents argued a lot… they still do. I’m 32 now and their arguing is such a trigger….
As a kid/teenager I would get so depressed about everything that I would cut myself to relieve the pain…. and then I started to pop pills…. nothing bad just Excedrin… and I think it was just the caffeine that really had the affect… because I was popping those and Awake pills and dosing energy drinks like it was no ones business…
back when I was in college is when life just got out of control and I didn’t even feel like I was in my skin… and I went to a counselor provided by the college and talking with her brought up more things that I hated about my life and my self and I’m spiraling and she wasn’t helping… her nods her okays and she didn’t understand all the things I had gone through. The emotional physical abuse..
how can you feel okay when you talk to someone who doesn’t understand? I was her job and I couldn’t do it anymore…
I wanted to kill myself … I was done with life and I couldn’t tell her that or I’d be put away because I’m not stupid….. and when a boyfriend at the time took me to the hospital and I told them I was having thoughts of suicide ….. because early on I had been assaulted and raped at a job that I thought was safe… with a guy who was supposed to be a Baptist and went to the school and he took advantage of me and there was this older man who was a creeper and I was just so down on myself and he used me…. molested me and hurt me ….
and I never got through that….. and I was at a loss with my family and what was happening to me and I thought I could go to the hospital for mental health and they wanted to put me in a room…. and make me feel broken and I ran… and never came back…
I listened to really sad songs….. and cried a lot …. I was losing control…. and slowly…. I’d make it through the day…. drive for long periods of time alone…… I would stare into the abyss…. and I’d let myself feel the pain… and let it devour me.
I’d go out and get through my days. I slowed my mind and slept a lot…. till eventually I woke up and I had hope…. I wanted to eventually get married…. I wanted to get out and feel okay. I wanted to enjoy things again.
So I’d take walks and enjoy the sunset.. I’d go to the beach… listen to happier songs…. read books…. watched true crime shows… and the fog began to lift…. and the feeling of wanting to die started to fade….. I held onto the notion that the feeling would eventually go away and it did… not right away…. it took a long time. And today I still get depressed. And I get really down… but I know if I can get through this feeling I’ll be okay.
And I’m still here .. 32 years later. And I’m doing okay. After being married for 10 years.. 2 kids and 4 miscarriages I’m here. And I have pain inside me. And it’s always there but I know I just need to make it through the feelings.. because once I’m over the hump I’m okay.
Im okay. 🙂