Depression runs in my family… my mom told me about my great grandmother… something happened to her and one day she got up and left and never came back… they think she had a melt down and just couldn’t handle her life anymore… my mother walked away from us a few times actually….

like when I was a kid and she was arguing with my dad and he was driving… and we came to a light at a four way and she literally got out of the car and walked into a parking lot….

my dad had to drag her back into the car… that was very embarrassing for me. I can distinctly remember people running up to the window at the restaurants nearby…. watching us grab at her….. my parents argued a lot… they still do. I’m 32 now and their arguing is such a trigger….

As a kid/teenager I would get so depressed about everything that I would cut myself to relieve the pain…. and then I started to pop pills…. nothing bad just Excedrin… and I think it was just the caffeine that really had the affect… because I was popping those and Awake pills and dosing energy drinks like it was no ones business…

back when I was in college is when life just got out of control and I didn’t even feel like I was in my skin… and I went to a counselor provided by the college and talking with her brought up more things that I hated about my life and my self and I’m spiraling and she wasn’t helping… her nods her okays and she didn’t understand all the things I had gone through. The emotional physical abuse..

how can you feel okay when you talk to someone who doesn’t understand? I was her job and I couldn’t do it anymore…

I wanted to kill myself … I was done with life and I couldn’t tell her that or I’d be put away because I’m not stupid….. and when a boyfriend at the time took me to the hospital and I told them I was having thoughts of suicide ….. because early on I had been assaulted and raped at a job that I thought was safe… with a guy who was supposed to be a Baptist and went to the school and he took advantage of me and there was this older man who was a creeper and I was just so down on myself and he used me…. molested me and hurt me ….

and I never got through that….. and I was at a loss with my family and what was happening to me and I thought I could go to the hospital for mental health and they wanted to put me in a room…. and make me feel broken and I ran… and never came back…

I listened to really sad songs….. and cried a lot …. I was losing control…. and slowly…. I’d make it through the day…. drive for long periods of time alone…… I would stare into the abyss…. and I’d let myself feel the pain… and let it devour me.

I’d go out and get through my days. I slowed my mind and slept a lot…. till eventually I woke up and I had hope…. I wanted to eventually get married…. I wanted to get out and feel okay. I wanted to enjoy things again.

So I’d take walks and enjoy the sunset.. I’d go to the beach… listen to happier songs…. read books…. watched true crime shows… and the fog began to lift…. and the feeling of wanting to die started to fade….. I held onto the notion that the feeling would eventually go away and it did… not right away…. it took a long time. And today I still get depressed. And I get really down… but I know if I can get through this feeling I’ll be okay.

And I’m still here .. 32 years later. And I’m doing okay. After being married for 10 years.. 2 kids and 4 miscarriages I’m here. And I have pain inside me. And it’s always there but I know I just need to make it through the feelings.. because once I’m over the hump I’m okay.

Im okay. 🙂


Some days just really suck 

Some days I just don’t feel like I want to exist. As an adult I still feel like a child. Just wanting people to like me. How stupid. It’s like you never grow up. The insecurities you had … you still have. It may not always be there but there are days it shows up and smacks you in the face…

Nothing worked out the way I thought it would today…. and I’m just angry… and I unfortunately take it out on my family…. and I feel really bad so I separate myself from them…. and it’s like when I’m asked what’s wrong something in my brain clicks and I can’t talk… I know I want to say something and I know what it is and I have the words on my tongue and it just doesn’t come out… 

I freeze…. I think it’s because I feel childish … stupid…. like I’d be made fun of or told that I’m childish and stupid…. 

today just sucked….my body isn’t working like it should… the stress and unknowns from trying to have another baby… while I have two other kids…. infertility freaking sucks… 

and I’m sure you’re like uhm infertility? But you have 2 kids… yes I do… but it wasn’t easy getting them…. the fertility struggle is freaking real and i suffered… the hundreds of drugs… to have 1 baby …. the 3 losses I’ve suffered trying to have 1 baby…. almost dying…. now I’m putting myself through the unknown and I feel so out of control….

I don’t even know anymore…. I just don’t want to exist right now…. 

Most days 

I can tolerate most days. If I ignore my feelings inside.. if I don’t think of the times I’ve been wronged. Most days I can smile and have no care in the world. And those days I cherish. 

I have 2 children to look up to me and I have to be very careful how I handle my depression and sometimes rage. I get overwhelmed. I have to step back and go to another room and calm down. 

I have suffered through 3 miscarriages… that in itself if very hard to deal with. As I see my youngest growing up and going through the stages… I think of her other siblings she could have right now instead of only having 1… And that hurts.

I try not to go into the black hole of depression… because it is so hard to get out… 

depression runs in my family… so do addicts… so I have to be sooo careful with alcohol or over the counter drugs…. 

I found myself addicted to Afrin and I had stop it cold turkey…. ya Afrin. How dumb…. when I was in college I would buy bottles and bottles of excedrin…and  stacker weight loss pills…. to get my heart pumping to get my high… and when I’d crash I felt so numb and I’d go home and cut myself for a release….. (I feel dumb that I’d get high on something so readily available) when I got married I felt different. I stopped all that… but as the marriage progressed I noticed the feelings creeping in again… so every so often I catch myself… popping pills… drinking a bit.. and I have to pull myself out… 

I have to remain here. In my right state of mind. I have people who look up to me… my kids.. my family.. my friends… 

I am strong. I can overcome

Little girl lost 

I don’t know what it is. But lately I’ve been really bothered… my brothers friend killed his parents and then took his own life…. before this he tried to commit suicide when he was in college.. I was 4 years younger and in high school and I got a phone call…. I didn’t answer… I was in school … I got another phone call hours later… he left a voicemail… “I tried to kill my self by throwing a chair out of the window and waking out… I love you and I always will” he said other things but I can’t remember and I didn’t keepthe voicemail… I felt like it was somewhat my fault…. like I could’ve done something…. had he called me before seeking help? I’ll never know
I never had a relationship with him… only a friend… I never led him on in fact I told him I liked him as a friend. But when he tried to kill him self I went to see him with my brother and another friend of his…. it was devastating…his legs shattered but he was there…. his mind was there… and his parents looked at me… I felt like they blamed me…. but I never led him on in fact I took myself out of his life… moving on and getting married… I had him as a friend on Facebook and twitter and I stopped talking to him … I kept track of him but never messaged him… apparently he made the move on a lot of girls and I found this out after his death.. so I think he got over me. 

My brother kept in contact with him. Inviting him to church and get togethers… then the dreaded morning I was on the treadmill and I saw the article in the paper …. and his name was there… and I don’t know how I felt like I could’ve done something…. 
I went to his funeral…. and I cried… the guy I had known … it wasn’t him… he moved out on his own after going to several doctors appointments learning how to walk again… his legs shattered from the fall… he was being taken care of in the mental ward…. finally he was okay to be out on medication he had a job and was so close to his family…. and then this happened… I don’t know what to even think my mind just can’t wrap myself around what happen… I feel lost and it’s been a year…. since this happened… I came across his Facebook again and his twitter and had seen the posts..his last post he said he was giving up and I had see comments from friends saying “we should’ve known, this was our clue that something was wrong” and it was the day before my daughters Birthday that he posted it…. and I didn’t say anything…. 

Then his posts on twitter and I swear he was acting off…. but I said nothing…. … and then I was curious to see if his childhood home had sold … and it did… and I was able to see pictures of his home … and just thinking of what happened there…. and I see pictures of the floors and the walls that had to be cleaned and … and I don’t know why I feel like this after all this time…lost, confused, I still feel like that high school girl who got that awful phone call and I didn’t help…