Most days 

I can tolerate most days. If I ignore my feelings inside.. if I don’t think of the times I’ve been wronged. Most days I can smile and have no care in the world. And those days I cherish. 

I have 2 children to look up to me and I have to be very careful how I handle my depression and sometimes rage. I get overwhelmed. I have to step back and go to another room and calm down. 

I have suffered through 3 miscarriages… that in itself if very hard to deal with. As I see my youngest growing up and going through the stages… I think of her other siblings she could have right now instead of only having 1… And that hurts.

I try not to go into the black hole of depression… because it is so hard to get out… 

depression runs in my family… so do addicts… so I have to be sooo careful with alcohol or over the counter drugs…. 

I found myself addicted to Afrin and I had stop it cold turkey…. ya Afrin. How dumb…. when I was in college I would buy bottles and bottles of excedrin…and  stacker weight loss pills…. to get my heart pumping to get my high… and when I’d crash I felt so numb and I’d go home and cut myself for a release….. (I feel dumb that I’d get high on something so readily available) when I got married I felt different. I stopped all that… but as the marriage progressed I noticed the feelings creeping in again… so every so often I catch myself… popping pills… drinking a bit.. and I have to pull myself out… 

I have to remain here. In my right state of mind. I have people who look up to me… my kids.. my family.. my friends… 

I am strong. I can overcome

Little girl lost 

I don’t know what it is. But lately I’ve been really bothered… my brothers friend killed his parents and then took his own life…. before this he tried to commit suicide when he was in college.. I was 4 years younger and in high school and I got a phone call…. I didn’t answer… I was in school … I got another phone call hours later… he left a voicemail… “I tried to kill my self by throwing a chair out of the window and waking out… I love you and I always will” he said other things but I can’t remember and I didn’t keepthe voicemail… I felt like it was somewhat my fault…. like I could’ve done something…. had he called me before seeking help? I’ll never know
I never had a relationship with him… only a friend… I never led him on in fact I told him I liked him as a friend. But when he tried to kill him self I went to see him with my brother and another friend of his…. it was devastating…his legs shattered but he was there…. his mind was there… and his parents looked at me… I felt like they blamed me…. but I never led him on in fact I took myself out of his life… moving on and getting married… I had him as a friend on Facebook and twitter and I stopped talking to him … I kept track of him but never messaged him… apparently he made the move on a lot of girls and I found this out after his death.. so I think he got over me. 

My brother kept in contact with him. Inviting him to church and get togethers… then the dreaded morning I was on the treadmill and I saw the article in the paper …. and his name was there… and I don’t know how I felt like I could’ve done something…. 
I went to his funeral…. and I cried… the guy I had known … it wasn’t him… he moved out on his own after going to several doctors appointments learning how to walk again… his legs shattered from the fall… he was being taken care of in the mental ward…. finally he was okay to be out on medication he had a job and was so close to his family…. and then this happened… I don’t know what to even think my mind just can’t wrap myself around what happen… I feel lost and it’s been a year…. since this happened… I came across his Facebook again and his twitter and had seen the posts..his last post he said he was giving up and I had see comments from friends saying “we should’ve known, this was our clue that something was wrong” and it was the day before my daughters Birthday that he posted it…. and I didn’t say anything…. 

Then his posts on twitter and I swear he was acting off…. but I said nothing…. … and then I was curious to see if his childhood home had sold … and it did… and I was able to see pictures of his home … and just thinking of what happened there…. and I see pictures of the floors and the walls that had to be cleaned and … and I don’t know why I feel like this after all this time…lost, confused, I still feel like that high school girl who got that awful phone call and I didn’t help…